he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
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she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
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Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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