My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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