I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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