I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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