we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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