I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
