He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
This is classic penis vs brain.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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