yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
