Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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