I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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