I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
