I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
