She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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