It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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