I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
