Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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