sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
