Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
