I accidentally burped into my bong.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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