I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
