I bet he comes in French.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
