Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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