I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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