Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
