Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Randomize
