everyone is single if you try hard enough
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
