I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
