she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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