You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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