I hate all girls vehemently.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
