Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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