white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
