i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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