ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
