I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
