It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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