maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
