i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
