is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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