apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
