and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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