You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
