so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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