I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
