I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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