why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
