i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
