Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
