the condom got lost in my hair
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
