please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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