I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
