I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
