I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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