I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
