So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
