he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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