mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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