Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
