If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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