I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
