my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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