She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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